Thursday, March 5, 2009

An Ode To Farts...And My Dad

Unless you know me in real life, you don't understand my, ummm, affinity, shall we say, for gaseous emissions. Farts were a source of entertainment in my house growing up. My Dad was particularly adept at breaking wind at opportune times. I do not know how he perfected this skill, nor do I want to know, but as long as they weren't directed at you, they were freaking hilarious.

Some examples of my Dad's "passing gas":

1) Back when Dinosaurs still roamed the Earth, department stores had "perfume girls" who would spray you with "old French Whore" smelling eau du toilette whether you asked for it or not. My dad thought is was fun to fart on them (or in their direction) at the same time.

2) When we got our first car with electric windows and driver's side controls, Dad loved to roll up all the windows and lock them after he let a silent but deadly fly. We were always on a family vacation "road trip" in the middle of nowhere when he did this. He would wait until my Mother said something {my Big Bro and I were in the back seat suffocating to death because we weren't going to say anything}. Mom always said the same thing, "God Damn it, Smith! Roll down the damn window!" Dad would roll down the windows so he wouldn't completely gas his family, start laughing hysterically and get berated by Mom with "I'm gonna kill you!" Ahh, good times, good times!

3) Woe to the person who went to the hardware store with my Dad, because he would wait until you were engrossed in reading the package of some product, instinctively knowing someone else was about to come down the aisle, let a SBD go and scamper to the end of the aisle out of sight of both you and the unsuspecting customers. He found joy in watching strangers look at his loved ones like they had just pooped their pants because the smell was so bad.

4) If my Dad wanted to let you know, in his own special way, that you were welcomed into the family, he would get up from his chair
{you had to be sitting on the part of the couch right next to his La-z-boy}, turn around and fart in your face. He did this to my Husband~then boyfriend. I was so happy, I started hugging my Hubs saying "He likes you! It's OK for us to get married!"

5) Dad once pulled a "dutch oven" on my Mom. {A "dutch oven" is farting while in bed and then pulling the covers over the head of your mate.} Mom screamed so loud that my Big Bro and I came running in to their bedroom to find Dad straddling Mom with the covers over her head. We thought Mom really was going to kill him that night!

6) If Dad was kind of mad at you {usually it was because you had gotten one over on him, which he hated} he would walk upstairs and let out a fart on each step. He would always, somehow, make sure that you were sitting at the dining room table, which was at the bottom of the stair case.

7) I once told my Dad a fart joke, "Confucius say, man who eat jelly beans fart in technicolor." To which he countered with, "Confucius say, woman who fly upside down have big, hairy crack up." {Yeah, I still don't get that joke...}

So that is my ode to my Dad {and farts}, who, if he was still here, would have turned 82 this
past Sunday, the same day I turned 38. He is the reason that I think farts are so funny and probably why I married a man with farts so foul, they could wake the dead. When we first started dating, I had him over for dinner. My Mom made Lima beans and ham hocks. He ate two plates full. {He later told me he really didn't like the meal!?!?}

Around 9 pm that night, I got a call from his sister asking me what I had fed her brother for dinner. When I asked why, I was told he was cutting the cheese with such frequency and stank, that they thought he {really me} was trying to kill them! Their cockatiel was even cowering in the corner. I was laughing so hard, that I nearly lost all my breath. I now tell my Father~In~Law that if he pisses me off too much, I am going to feed his son Lima beans and send him over for a visit! {HA! That'll teach him!}

Go here for a funny fart video.


Crafty Coco said...

Love it. Farts were so not allowed in my house growing when I first had dinner with Steven and his parents and he lifted a cheek to fart at the table I thought I was gonna die...I'm pretty used to it all now :) I can compete with the best of them!

3 Bay B Chicks said...

This is a really great tribute to your Dad and wonderful insight into the person that you are. Hilarious that it all revolves around farting, but your Dad obviously found his talent and honed his skill over the course of a lifetime.


LadyStyx said...

*laffin* Oh dear! This reminds me of my daddy, my brother AND my hubby! It also reminds me of a story......

Bee and Rose said...

I laughed through the whole post!! What a fartwarming tribute!

Got my wordle ready for tomorrow!

Diver Daisy said...

oh this was good! MY latest was walking in the school hallway next to a kindergarten boy. Once I let it fly, I walked faster so everyone would think it was him! It just doesn't do for a teacher to have gas.

Claire said...

I just choked on popcorn laughing. I would have been honored to have met such a great man as your father, and I want you to know, I will help to carry on his traditions!!!! This was the best post I've read in a LONG time!!!
We personally "throw farts" in this house, and do many similar things to wehat you kindly shared with all of us!!

PS- White popcorn & farts remind me of my dad..he always hand popped popcorn & watched Jeopardy.. the smell of the 2 is permanantly etched in my mind.. Occasionally I sniff & say "I SMELL POPCORN FARTS! LIKE MY DAD!!"
LOL!!!! This just made my already great day SO much better!!!!!

ChicagoLady said...

What funny stories! Thanks for sharing your memories of your dad with us.

Queenie Jeannie said...

Gross but cute, lol!

!!The Obnoxious SAHM!! said...

oh yes... to the old man who used to blame the odors of bliss to the elephant that ran under the table. (that would be my father.)

Loved the post!

Court said...

Ah a woman after my own heart.

Night Owl Mama said...

I usually skip through super long posts but GIRL I so can relate. AND to make things worse I married a TOP farter! I have some of the same stories to tell about my brothers and farts and now my children and FARTs. My little 3 yr old backed up his bootie to daddy today and said, "Smelled it dad?" I laughed so dang hard.

The OmniCouple said...

Oh Em Gee! This is so funny! Farts and burps were both funny in our home. My Mom would usually jokingly call us cochina and/or cochino (dirty girl/boy in Spanish). My Dad would say something funny like, "Peeeeyouuuuu." My oldest sister would burp really loud and we'd all joke and tell her, "I give that a 10," or, "Eh. I give that a 4." LOL.


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