Sunday, January 18, 2009

Pork: The Other White Meat. Not Just For Eating Anymore.

I have figured out how to stop the war & end all these terrorist Muslim Jihads once and for all. With a little help from Carlos Mencia and his DVD *Performance Enhanced, the secret has been revealed: Bacon Bits. Really. I'm not kidding. Bacon Bits. Any pork product, actually.

OK here's the set up (I wanted to post a video of the joke, but I couldn't find one, imagine that!)...Anyway, Carlos went on a USO Tour to The Middle East. Prior to leaving, he was given a handbook on Muslim countries to study and rules to follow. One of those being that absolutely no pork products can be brought into those countries. He thought this was hilarious and showed it to his family, who also had a good laugh.

For those of you who don't know, pork is huge in the Hispanic culture. Chicharones (pork rinds) & carnitas (pulled pork) are staples. I know this because my husband is Hispanic, well sort of. They eat pork rinds with lemon juice, salt & Chile sauce (don't ask, I don't get it either) and they cook the carnitas in a giant metal pot over an open flame. I don't claim to understand these food choices, but I am Irish and Southern, my people eat Hagas and Chitlins (well my relatives do, I've seen where that crap comes from & I ain't eatin' it).

But I digress...


As the joke goes, Carlos' Dad decides to play a prank of his own and after Carlos has packed his bags, Daddy puts a bag of Bacon Bits in there without his knowledge. When he arrives at Customs in said country, the agent goes through his luggage and finds them. The agent is enraged and begins to interrogate Carlos, who thinks it's funny as hell. He explains to this man what happened. The agent is not amused and tells him that he can go to Hell if any pork product touches his body. Carlos apologizes profusely, but then realizes something...If touching pork can damn a Muslim to Hell, we ought to stop dropping bombs and start dropping...wait for it...BACON BITS!!!!

I laughed so hard, I snorted soda out of my nose!

So there you go. I (along with Carlos Mencia) have solved the problem with the Middle East, not by using bullets or even diplomacy, but pork chops. Why hasn't anyone else figured this out yet? You see, if terrorists can all be damned by something so simple as, say a ham hock, then they would be shunned by their people. If they all get shunned and damned, then they would have to convert to some other religion. If all the terrorist idiots couldn't be Muslim anymore, then there would be no more extremist Jihads and no more targeting of Jews, Americans or Christians. Holy Wars would cease to exist. The oppression of women and children would stop.

World peace would ensue.


We would all finally be one happy planet and get along with each other.
Wouldn't that be amazing? It's so simple. Makes sense, right? Why hasn't this particular technique been tried yet? I really think a pig is cheaper than bombs & bullets. This could also solve the economic crisis. Don't you see? It's a win~win for everyone...well almost everyone! Hurry now, write your Congressman. Write your Senators. Hell, write the new Prez, he needs some original ideas. Go on...promote the other white meat as a means to World Peace. Nobody will think you're crazy...

10 comments:

Bee and Rose said...

HAHAHAHAHA!!!! (oops! I think I just laughed so hard I pee'd me panties....)

You are a rockstar! LOVE your blog (found you thru BSU) and I'm here to stay!

This is the best idea ever! Carlos Mencia is flippin' heeelarrious! I live in AZ and it's pork central!

Very, very smooth, sister...

Hugs!
dawn

LadyStyx said...

*marks this entry with a no food or drink while reading warning*!

Oh dear heaven....this was just too funny.

Abi said...

Pigs are people too!


;)

Queenie Jeannie said...

LOL! Yeah, I've seen this before. It is said, on the hush-hush mind you, that some Marines dip their bullets in pigs blood.

The problem with this is these are crazy people. Even if they're damned, they will still risk their lives as suicide bombers, etc. They feel that as martyers they are doing the "greatest" thing for their country and religion.

Do you think that old bastard Rumsfeld wouldn't have done it otherwise???

Missy said...

This is so funny! Love your blog!

Bee and Rose said...

And the winner is....YOU! Run on over to my bloggy and grab your award, girl! (don't forget to grab your million dollar diamonds, gown, yada yada yada...you know how the paparazzi are...

Have a fab day!
dawn

Matt-Man said...

Funny Stuff, but Oh Dear God!! My girlfriend is a Rick Springfield creeper. Are there more of you out there than I care to know about? ; ) Cheers!!

ChicagoLady said...

Good idea, but what do we do about all the innocent civilians that accidentally get Bacon Bits dropped on them? That might just be worse than accidentally killing them!

Lucrecia said...

That is the best idea I've heard all day!

Eli's Lids said...

Thanks for my first real laugh of the evening!!
http://elislids.blogspot.com/

 

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